|Meet the Cubs' manager in 2011. Or else.|
UPDATE: Yup. It happened.
9. The Cubs will sign Adam Dunn to play first base.
8. The Cubs will move Adam Dunn to right field when they sign a real first baseman in 2012.
7. The Cubs will add another statue of food to go with the giant macaroni noodle. It will probably be a hot dog. Fans will probably call it the Sammy Sosa statue.
6. The Cubs will fire someone insignificant. I don't know for sure who that will be, but I'm sure Umpires Room Attendant Tom Farinella is sweating from the enormous hot seat he's in right now.
UPDATE: Goodbye, Director of Sales and Promotions Matt Wszolek.
5. The Cubs will raise ticket prices while making it look like they lowered them.
UPDATE: Oh, hey, look at that . . . they did.
4. The Cubs will change the Captain Morgan Club to the Old Style Friendship Zone.
3. The Cubs will buy up all the rooftops across the street.
2. The Cubs will invite a handful of bloggers into the press box. They will regret this move when they run out of brownies on opening day and things turn ugly.
1. The Cubs will hire a woman as their next general manager. She will pretend to be nice, but she is not. I'm telling you, she's a nasty, vindictive, blood-thirsty piranha. But she will guide this team to the Promised Land and leave a trail of broken egos behind her.