Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Cubs Managerial Candidate List

UPDATED UPDATE: Bob Brenly doesn't want this job. Don Wakamatsu might. And that would be a lot of fun, hearing Ron Santo every day trying to say, "Joining me is the fine, fine manager of the Chicago Cubs, Don Waka . . . waka . . . kazmatsui." So there are new names and newly crossed out ones. Can you feel the eternal hope springing up within you?

UPDATE: Several of your submissions have been added to the list, and to compensate we've narrowed down the search by eliminating a few names from contention.

Now that Fredi Gonzalez has declined the offer to become a contestant on The Manager, I thought this might be a good time for a brief rundown of the Cubs managerial search list. Here's whose names have been added to (and in some cases removed from) the list:

Manny Acta
Dusty Baker
Bud Black
Bruce Bochy
Bob Brenly
Daren Brown
Bobby Cox
Richard M. Daley
Neil Diamond
Dryer Lint
The Edge
Brett Favre
Carrie Fisher
Terry Francona
Ron Gardenhire
Cito Gaston
The Gatorade Machine
Bob Geren
Kirk Gibson
Joe Girardi
The Cast of Glee
Fredi Gonzalez
Ozzie Guillen
Happy Fun Ball
Stephen Hawking
Todd Hollandsworth
A Kennedy
Jason Kobus
Tony LaRussa
Pat Listach
Jim Leyland
The Theme from Love Boat
Ken Macha
Joe Maddon
Charlie Manuel
Jerry Manuel
Jerry Mathers as "The Beav"
Bob & Doug McKenzie
Bob Melvin
Jillian Michaels
Brad Mills
Cookie Monster
My Left Foot
The Old Spice Guy
Regina Phalange
Albert Pujols
Mike Quade
Jim Riggleman
Edwin Rodriguez
Henry Rowengartner
John Russell
Jack Russell Terrier
Keri Russell's Hair
Kurt Russell
The San Francisco 49'ers
Ryne Sandberg
Mike Scioscia
Michael Scott
Little Jerry Seinfeld
Tom Selleck
Buck Showalter
Sideshow Bob
Siegfried and Roy
Luke Skywalker
Oliver Stone
Steve Stone
Sachin Tendulkar
Joe Torre
Jim Tracy
Alan Trammell
Twinkie the Kid
Bobby Valentine
Garry Varsho
Don Wakamatsu
Ron Washington
Carl Weathers
Hunter Wendelstedt
Whoever it was that punched Perez Hilton
Billy Williams' statue
Ronnie Woo
Ronnie Woo's Dentist
Ned Yost
Carlos Zambrano
Don Zimmer

I'll be sure to update this as names continue to be added and removed from consideration.


  1. Ha, I've got some updating do thanks to some great suggestions. You may notice that every current manager is on the list, and I'm not too sure that's all too far from accurate. I'll throw the Old Spice Guy on there along with Bobby Valentine and the Beav.

  2. Let's scratch Buck Showalter from the list...he's with Baltimore now.

    In his place we can add the 'Old Spice Guy' who offers splendid motivation and a clean break from the Cubs losing ways.

  3. Are we talking Carrie Underwood Fisher? Or Carrie Star Wars Fisher? Not that it matters. They should both be on the list (as long as it's late eighties, bikini Star Wars Fisher).

    Since Gonzalez is gone, we should get another Fredi/Freddie. How about Sweaty? Or maybe another Gonzalez. How about Juan? Or Gonzo from Muppet Babies? Maybe that long nose of his would do a better job helping Hendry sniff out poor long-term deals.

    Good choice on John Russell too. Which reminds me, Keri and Kurt Russell should be on here. And Russell Brand and Crow. And a Jack Russell Terrier (preferably the one from Frasier).

    We need some more people of color on here. I suggest the guy who says, "Gotta keep 'em seperated" on Offspring songs. He sounds colorful. Also, Laurence Fishburne might be a good choice, because next year, when half of the season is past and we all want back in the Matrix, he could help us out. I knew an Asian guy in college too. I don't know his name, but he was on all the prospective student brochures, so I'm sure he's qualified.

    Good choice on Kirk Gibson. He can teach them how to run the bases...inspirationally...while injured...since most Cubs starters are usually injured.

    I'm offended you have not presented me with a Tea Party candidate. A lot of tea baggers, maybe. But if we're going to have a list of people who are infinitely unqualified to do anything, we should have a Tea Party candidate for me to blindly place my hopes in.

    Shouldn't William Wallace be on this list? And Nipple-Slip Videos?

    As long as Joe Morgan isn't on here, I think you're golden.

  4. I saw Sideshow Bob and for a moment thought that Silent Bob was on the list, so you should probably add him. The long-standing 'geographical connection' in managerial search candidates applies, since he was in Chicago once.

  5. That's absolutely hilarious. The Keri and the Jack Russell Terrier very nearly made the list and I have half a mind to add them. Usually that's all it takes.

  6. Silent Bob would have praises heaped on him for his calm, unflappable demeanor. High praises.


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